I AM HERE

Misty Mawn's Open Studio Workshop doesn't officially open until January 9, but she gave us a few preliminary things to do to get acquainted. One was to write a poem, of sorts, titled "I Am Here". This is my effort. The lines are not in any particular order, but in the order they came to me.

I'm a little nervous about sharing it, because some of it I've never shared with anyone, plus the fact that I'm not a poet. But for some reason, I want to share it. I hope you can make sense out of it. :)

I AM HERE

By SP Pope

I AM HERE

Still
By some miracle
By the grace of God

Despite childhood illnesses and accidents
Despite polio’s paralyzing attack
Despite being an only child
Despite the mistakes of my youth
Despite close calls with divorce
Despite being childless
Despite the pain of an adoption falling through
Despite suffering many losses
Despite being paralyzed by grief, trauma, and fear sometimes
Despite menopause
Despite many disappointments, heartbreaks, and heartaches
Despite life lessons learned the hard way
Despite bouts of anger and depression with suicidal thoughts
Despite not getting to spread my wings beyond my home town
Despite the guilt that my parents had no grandchildren
Despite a job I was unhappy doing
Despite all of my weaknesses
Despite rejections
Despite loneliness at times
Despite being made fun of in school for walking with a limp and having a weak bladder
Despite feelings of being totally overwhelmed at times
Despite the adjustments of retirement and hubby and I learning to live together 24/7
Despite the aches and pains of aging
Despite waning eyesight and memory lapses
I am here

Because of loving and caring parents
Because I survived polio to walk, run, and dance
Because of amazing friends and family
Because of wonderful grandparents
Because of having loved and been loved
Because of rejection
Because of the encouragement of teachers
Because of bosses who believed in me
Because of three best friends, who, since childhood, have stood by me through thick, thin, and weirdness
Because of all the wonderful pets I’ve been privileged to have in my life, who loved me unconditionally
Because of all the happy times
Because of a mother who loved me enough to encourage, and sometimes push, me to live life
Because of my strengths
Because of being an only child
Because of my imaginary friends
Because there are many sides to me
Because of accepting God as my personal savior long ago
Because of my husband of almost forty-two years
Because of the love of learning
Because I enjoy solitude
Because of my passion for art, writing, music, and reading
Because of finally finding peace within
Because I’m learning to live in the present
Because of life’s lessons learned through the people and experiences I’ve crossed paths with
I am here

Today I am loving retirement
Today I am enjoying my husband, despite the occasional disagreement
Today I am battling type 2 diabetes
Today I am ecstatic with my creative endeavors
Today I am still learning new things daily
Today I feel vibrant and alive
Today I don't have to be busy every second
Today I love my own company
Today I have gray in my hair and I am overweight
Today my body is all soft and mushy, the way grandchildren would have loved it
Today I am more concerned with inner beauty than makeup and fashion
Today I let things go that “should be” done, in order to enjoy the things and people I love
Today I am still making mistakes and learning from them
Today I am living one minute at a time
Today I still grieve and feel overwhelmed sometimes
Today I still live in the small town where I was born
Today I love and am loved
Today I still have my mom and my husband
Today I am still an only child, but with many “adopted” siblings in the form of friends and cousins
Today I still have a home and I am able to live in it
Today I can still take care of myself
Today I still have my old friends, and I continue to make new ones
Today I’m having adventures and looking for the everyday miracles and magic
Today I am on my computer discovering all the wonderful things that the web has to offer
Today I am older, wiser... and a little more forgetful
Today I am content on my little patch of earth
Today I am learning how better to cope with life and all its ups and downs, now that its winding down, but
I am here

I am who I am
I AM HERE
Still
By some miracle
By the mercy and grace of God
And I am grateful

Madamojell and Jessie Brown

The other day I was blog visiting and on Amanda Blake's blog I discovered this painting, which I love, and I couldn't help but giggle when I looked at it and it's title. It brought back memories of the two imaginary friends that I was blessed with as a child. Mine happened to be people, and I still have a soft place in my heart for those girls. :)

Their names were Madamojell and Jessie Brown and they were wonderful friends, always there to play with and talk to when nobody else was.

I was an only child, but there were always other children in the Rabbit Hop community to play with, plus I had lots of cousins, several around my age. Lots of sleepovers at our house too. The older girls in the neighborhood loved to spoil me. The whole community was more like family than just neighbors.

Even when I was alone, I wasn't. I had a vivid imagination, my dolls, my teddy bear, my monkey, my books, and my two friends that nobody could see or talk to except me. Mama would hear me carrying on a conversation out loud and she would ask who I was talking to.

I would look at her like she was crazy and say, "Madamojell. Can't you see her, Mama? She's sitting right there?"

Madamojell's name came from the word Madamoiselle. Mama used to call me that sometimes when I was being a little smarty pants. It stuck in my head. Only I couldn't pronounce it and it came out Madamojell. She was a free spirit; not afraid of anything or anyone. She traveled to the beat of her own song. I think, looking back, she was a combination of two older cousins and a neighbor girl that I always looked up to and loved immensely. I wanted to be just like them.

Of course, it was the fifties, and though my older friends dressed in lots of can-cans under full skirts, pony tails, bobby sox, and cardigan sweaters buttoned down the back, Madamojell dressed her thin body in long chiffon dresses, hid her long blonde hair under luscious wide brimmed hats, wore dainty gloves, and she wore lots of makeup and jewelry. She had a wonderful laugh and was very wise. At least, I thought so. She loved living and was full of self confidence.

Jessie Brown, on the other hand, was a complete opposite of Madamojell.

My older cousin, Gene, stayed with us for a while, and he had a friend named Jessie Brown ______, and I thought he was so handsome. He was dark haired, had a dark complexion, sparkling brown eyes, a great personality, and I just loved his name.

My invisible friend, however, was not sparkly. She was a lovely girl, very quiet, kind of plain looking in her dark plaid cotton dress with her long brown hair hanging down past her shoulders, her brown eyes kind of sad. She was a bit shy, a great friend, and fun to be with, even if she was afraid of her own shadow. The kind that you could sit in silence with, without feeling awkward.

The three of us spent many happy times together having tea parties, playing house, talking and laughing. Sometimes they even attended school with my dolls and stuffed animals, where they all sat lined up on the couch and listened attentively while I "read" to them from my Golden story books, the stories that mama had read to me until I had them memorized. The students enjoyed these stories immensely. (This was before I actually started school and learned to read; no kindergarten back then.) :)

As I got older, Jessie Brown disappeared. Or maybe she didn't. Maybe she has been me all these years.

Madamojell, on the other hand, still pops up often in the form of my alter ego or my creative muse.

I think she may be the me that I was always afraid to let out. Now that I'm a Senior Citizen, who knows, I may turn her loose. :)